Don't want to be THAT girl

More thinking, more to sort after this long winter.
It wasn't that bad this year however it gave me time to sort out what the Hell happened to me. The feeling is mutual in relation to someone being held captive for a long period of time and freedom is felt for the first time.
It's there, you suspect it and the memories of being held prisoner is not forgotten.
Call it a syndrome, I know it has been long since what happened. Not just the whole open relationship thing (it does play a part) but more the whole "I fell apart and nearly destroyed myself" part. I can't shake it off and it haunts me. It's going to take some time but it's there.
We all moved on but I can't seem to stop punishing myself.
I got into this mess more vulnerable than I've ever been in my life. The last known event of vulnerable with a side of self destruction was when I finished CEGEP and didn't get into a program at University. I figure I would go with the flow however I seem to be the type that needs structure and a schedule. I fell in love with an actor wannabe who would telemarket and smoke pot.
Great choice in guys.
He kind of dumped me for someone who wasn't boring: a hitchhiker/stripper who I found out not so long ago, kind of psycho.
I hit a low point and nearly hurt myself bad, for the next few months I drank heavily, scared my friends, tried to bash my skull in and nearly got raped.
Yes, I'm one of those, the kind who may self destruct if nothing falls into place. What fell into place was an application to a photo program that I placed in my sister's hand one day before the deadline. I had photos I took over the last two years and time before work to write one hell of a letter of intent.
Photography was and still is my saving grace and now I need something like that again. Before it was a hobby but now it's a career.
Cut to now where I fell down, my perspective went under when my ex found himself another girlfriend (still with her, probably because she has a better line of credit). Then someone in my circle started getting more photo jobs, when you find out that my job saved my ass 9 years ago you kind of figure out why I get pissed when I lose jobs to that guy. The battle between talent and networking rages on.
Then I went to that place, that dark and uncertain place where your perspective changes, it grows darker and you tend to trust anyone or any idea that can make you happy again.
So yes, the open relationship was a good idea (through clouded judgement).

I'm not really mad at the couple (or couples now) but mad at myself. I've become that type of girl. The one no one remembers, the one left behind while everyone lives happily ever after. The trash you take out, the drinking the night before that you don't quite recall. I don't want to be left behind or forgotten, no one knows how to end these properly.
I learned the hard way that I'm not that type of girl and shouldn't have vocalized it.
He brought the new one to the bar that night, I only knew of her as he met her which meant I was off the hook (not in the relationship but not part of the strings attached in the "other relationship). Just sex and hockey games for me.
I was insulted that he brought her, I don't hang out with the 'others'. I never meshed with the girlfriend, what gives guys ideas that girls that they are fooling around with would become the best of buddies. We are women: catty, jealous and capable of destroying self esteem.
My jealousy was of not wanting the guy but more that there will be no room for me. I knew she would be for keeps, the other relationship was on it's last breath (if it weren't for the open relationship they would have broken up months before). She was in, I was out.
Yes, in this you stay friends with the ex
you start committing to this new being
but what happens to me?
Left out.
I became THAT girl, she's cool and casual, this wouldn't bother her. It did and I made it evident. I didn't want to be responsible in destroying a couple but instead I destroyed myself. No guy is interested in someone who was leftovers, she smells of open relationship. To not factor at all.
It gets me thinking if I factor at all, do I have any impact in anyone's life. I question that a lot.

I learned recently that when you reach 29 this is when you ask the hardest of all questions: what is my place? Do I have a real identity? Am I a good person? I've reached that point where I can say this: I'm a good person who does stupid things.

I don't want to say that the situation itself was stupid, mainly the way I treated myself was. I was drinking badly, falling for my own worst enemy of loser guys with even bigger insecurities and drinking habits. Smoking (again and again), being offensive. Worst of all, I majorly did some damage to my wrist, now how am I going to work as a photographer?
Actually, can I still work as a photographer?
For the first time, my saving grace wasn't able to be there. I got scared, what am I going to do. Am I going to be THAT girl: generic and nothing special.

We all know that being generic is something I'm not, quirky stories and all. I'm not the one who likes to let people down but in the last few months I have. I'm let myself down and now I'm playing one Hell of a catch up game. Sure, the first encounter in a while was me filled with anger but I really can't be "la dee da" about what happened. I made a mess and I feel like I'm still paying for it.
I feel like sometimes guys have this ideal that girls are not supposed to fall apart or have "issues" if there are it has to be solved in two sentences. I realised that dealing with me hasn't been a cakewalk but that's what I'm facing right now. That we know (and I know) that I'm not meant to be THAT girl.
But I don't want to be left out too. That usually happens after dealing with drunk and destructive, you tend to make a lot of mends. That's why I needed the time off.
One of these days I could meet the new girl (not so new anymore) and not be mean to the ex. The fact that I've admit it is one step, however I still have lingering memories where I was held at my own will (mentally).
Time heals sh**ty wrists, let alone a shattered heart and a lack of ego.