An Occurence, all worth an HOUR

I hit a breaking point.
So, after my meeting last week with the one (formally known as Jerkface), I was (you guessed it) contemplating. I was also by myself, editing my crazy Canadian Music Week photos when I get a call about the use of my riot photo from the anti brutality riots...
from the HOUR.
Not the show but a weekly (one of two popular ones in Montreal). Paid and published I was. It was a turning point to the Hell I had put myself, the fact I got the call, any call will do (as long as you credit the crap out of me).
I've been feeling good as of late, maybe the weather or the fact that in my head, I'm starting to put together pieces of an incomplete puzzle.
Funny that for a photographer I've lost focus, especially in the last year. I've been at my best but I've still have a ways to go, especially in the redemption dept. I've done this over and over and yet, these things keep happening, the fall from grace all because I'm not man enough for myself. Or the selection and perspective I have about who enters my heart (or in most cases, my pants).
It's not a man bash but more of, more me less them. I should never think of them in the higher sense or think that they might care or rely on their expectations.
I accidentally watched a new school episode of Degrassi, I was tired but still, it's Degrassi. A girl, typical bright, pretty, the usual: wants a guy to like her. She gives up her virginity, for what, so he can like her. She felt awful more because she gave it up for him, not herself.
I'm certain that I've lost it way too many times.
I'm thinking of the many times I've done things for him, not me.
The following come to mind:
lending him money
taking out a student loan
almost quitting my job
almost falling off a balcony
doing the open relationship
certain acts I can't even name (yes, they're dirty)
keeping quiet when you know he's dead wrong
keeping quiet about the no job situation
trusting he can keep a secret
letting him call me names
getting drunk when I can't drink no more
trying to be emotional unavailable (even when dangled for months)
I'm thinking if it weren't for all of the above, that I have to come first, then my photo career and degree, along with self esteem, confidence and even an apt, would have come sooner or happen...NOW.
So guys, love you to bits but look at the damage done. You are the most useless saving graces in the history of the lineup, I ask myself if it's all worth losing myself to. At 29, I shouldn't be weeping like a 16 year old all because I want to be liked. Yes, I would like to be liked but I think I've given enough of my attention.
I would like to give my attention to:
my flickr account
my contact list
people I meet on shoots
helping out someone who needs an ear (or a picnic)
publications I've interested in
I don't normally get the call but I figure if I do follow up, they will call more often than any guy I've seen in the last two years.