Redemption Determination and Prevention

So it had been busy for myself the following had happened:
The Penguins won the cup
I shot the Montreal Fringe Festival
Michael Jackson died (it's everywhere and somehow I managed to put this in this post)

The two I refer to have a great tie in, Michael Jackson I will throw in somehow as it's the most topical, some may not get hockey but would know something about the King of Pop.

The 2009 Pittsburgh Penguins became this metaphor in the last few months. At first it was used as a good guy/bad guy metaphor as I started to see this new guy and wasn't sure if he was going to be one of the good guys (Pittsburgh) or another asshole who will kill the idea for me (Washington in the 2nd round). It went all the way to game 7 and Crosby and co, bad moustache in tow, scored one for the good guys.
The guy in the end is a bit of a dipsh*t however I'll stick to my belief for the time being.
As the conference and then the final was going on, I used the metaphor for myself. The Penguins were on a mission to wipe the slate of the last year, being the losers of the 2008 final against Detroit. No one thought that they would be back, let alone make the playoffs as they sat in 10th place back in February. Then a coaching change and key trades turned this around and so the dream playoff run occurred. Being challenged by gooners, scorers and a cocky Ovechkin standing in their way. They returned with the opportunity to take a 2nd crack at not only the final, but to challenge the team that took their chance the year before: Detroit.
This is where I come in, camera in hand.
The Penguins had a tough 2 games then took it back home, then got embarrassed in game 5 then redeemed themselves in game 6 for the chance at what could be the greatest comeback for the ages. To take in game 7. Cue in the cliches, it comes down to this one game, one moment, anyone can be the hero.
At that same time I was back taking pictures of the Montreal Fringe, the most intense 10 days of photography, little sleep, day job at the same time, calling my family to say I'm still in one piece. Trying to keep focus and redeeming after what happened to me last year also. Last year in the middle of the festival my wrists started to hurt, this is when I found out I had tendinitis and was stressed out at the possibility that my chances at becoming a full time working photographer was diminishing, leaving me heartbroken and confused at "what if this never going to happen".
This time I had to learn from my mistakes and had something to prove. Over the last year I struggled with my wrists and the uncertainty, throw in a lousy job with politics, the whole open relationship fiasco and well, I'm sitting in 10th place.
I kept thinking that I had to redeem myself, forget that last year occurred, I'm a good photographer who isn't ruthless enough to get jobs (or fast enough as missing an email by 2 hours is costly, I'm investing in a blackberry soon).
Game 7 was during day one of fringe shows, so far so good. I learned to not make the Fringe the big thing in my life as I used to anticipate it the most then the rest of the time becomes meh. I took little breaks here and there to make sure that the wrists would get a break before the next round of photos. I got the chance to catch the last period of the Stanley Cup Final and boy was it worth it. It had to have been the most intense 20 minutes of my life and theirs.
They were up 2-0 in Detroit, a series that only the home team would win. Can Fleury keep the puck out of the net? that's all they needed to do, Crosby got hurt but would return to guide his team, a kid who time and time had to prove himself as he has the League on his shoulders, the star attraction of the NHL, the one who had to shine in order to bring in fans, both in Pittsburgh and the sport itself. He's done his part, the team had to follow that lead too.
Then again, he's learned this from the master of redemption and determination (and landlord) Mario Lemieux.
I grew up watching Lemieux, a year after he won his 2nd cup, I missed the chance to see him win and hope to do so. Then I found out what kind of player he was, the kind with adversity in his way. I saw him fight cancer, back problems, a sabbatical, retirement and a return. He also saved the team on the ice and off it as he became a part owner to the franchise that employed him for nearly 25 years. He took in Crosby and helped him out in the rookie year until after many comebacks, a heart condition stopped him for good. The team in turmoil, hoping that the draft and a deal with a casino was to be the key to returning the franchise in it's former glory.
I felt like that that night, to return to something I enjoyed, photography had been nothing but a 9-5 job I despises. Where's the creativity, the feeling of a job well done? It had been hard as not only with the wrists and personal problems, I was taking pics the wrong way. Playing it safe, not being passionate about my craft. Watching 2nd rate photographers get the jobs that I could have gotten, that it was all for show, shiny equipment and a mouth to match. There are no Cartier Bressons or Mary Ellen Marks, only Joe whoever who just bought the latest in gear and running with it.
That is not how I play or shoot.
Game 7 is not photography but the passion is there, the idea that it comes down to this one moment, anything can go wrong, anything can happen. The idea of determination is wild and crazy, the fact that the emotions play a role in whether you will have the joy of winning or a painful loss replaying in your head. My tears while I held my wrist while I was taking pictures is something I play over my head to remind me that this was my lowest point in my photography career and I wish to never go through it again.
With only 3 minutes to play, 2-1 Pittsburgh, this might actually happen.
It was the most intense 3 minutes, come on Fleury, it comes down to you.
He lived up in the last 2 games after the embarrassing 5-0 loss in game 5, making one hell of a save on Lindstrom, the last 15 seconds felt like eternity. I screamed and stood up as I witnessed possibly the best win ever. I've waited 17 years for this, it's been 6 years since I picked the Stanley Cup winner. The Penguins pulled off a hell of a run, they wiped the slate of 2008 and now were champions. I got to see Sid the Kid live up, players who lost in last year's final make the most noise in Detroit. I got the chance to see Mario Lemieux hoist the cup, this time as an owner.
The next day I bought myself a Pittsburgh Penguins cap (my first one in 16 years) and wore it throughout the Fringe, it was a reminder that determination and redemption after a loss can be possible. I had fun, I was focused and did some good work. To me, it's the beginning of a series of events that will help me get back to the way I used to take pictures. I know you're all thinking: it's only a hockey game. I had read Ken Dryden's The Game a month before and the sport, the mentality, makes a great metaphor of the human condition whether if it's hockey, photography or even crossing the street.
Which brings me to now, on my way to Toronto to see if I can get the feeling back in my images, escaping some backlash from the wrists and some personal setbacks. I have had some issues to deal with: the uncertainty, the lack of confidence from when I had the wrist problems, the angry drinking and the feeling that I reek of "open relationship" (I still get angry that I did this, twice). Dealing with deadbeats, douchebags, jerkfaces and dipsh*ts is like going against media scrutiny, great expectations, rivalries, tough teams per series. I think to me, overcoming the wrists and the open relationship is my version of Detroit: they are tough, strong and coming at me.
So, this is where I throw in Michael Jackson.
Some people will love what you do but you know there will be others out there to make you feel bad and want to knock you down. To call you names, to not hire you after saying that you do good work (mainly personal because like I said about my job, it's politics). Everything is ruthless and when someone sticks out, out comes the green eyes. Michael Jackson was a gifted talent who could have been eternal however dealing with the wrong people, making bad choices, knocked him down. What he wanted was to be happy and entertained, happiness was a struggle, been watched to see if he was going to do another freaky thing. People he wanted to trust, instead would be the cause of his demise and shortly, his death.
All he wanted to do is redeem himself, to put on 50 concerts as his comeback because we all knew he had it. And he did, this was the 1st step, the 1st step is always the tricky part. Unfortunately it was too late.
I sometimes wonder if it's too late, a part of me is gun ho about the prospects of doing photography however I'm nearing 30 and still is nagging in my head whether or not I can do this. I then look at Bill Guerin, his last Cup was in 1995, he was with the Islanders until the trading deadline, he may not be a great scorer but man, can he play.
I took the 1st step, I have my camera on me now, been writing and all. I'm not going to predict what will happen in the next while, whether if it's Toronto, Halifax or New York, I know I that I've done this before and can do it again. To learn from my mistakes and go foreword but look back and avoid history repeating.
It took Mario Lemieux 17 years to hoist the cup again, I know in my field of choice, opportunities are like Stanley Cup finals: it doesn't happen that often but when it does, it's worth going after it again and again.


By the way, there are some awesome Montreal acts performing their hearts out in Toronto, the hockey metaphor works here as Toronto is no Montreal. You can either win the hearts or not be recieved, go support Montreal as they're in the final days at the Toronto Fringe.